I hate how I feel after eating processed foods. It’s like having ants crawling under my skin. I can feel the particles infiltrating my system and corrupting my healthy cells. I become lethargic, irritable, almost disoriented at times. And yet I crave them. Just like a smoker, I imagine. I can feel the damage being done and yet in a way I feel helpless to stop the reckless behavior.

When I take the time to prepare meals made with fresh, natural foods, the difference in how I feel, how I act, how I think, is phenomenal. I followed my diet plan 2 weeks ago, which includes next to no pre-packaged foods, and I dropped 9 pounds in a week. In a week. Now I know I don’t eat 3500*9 worth of calories additional to warrant such a drop. It happens every time I don’t eat anything that comes out of a box, bag, or package. Surely that signals there is another dynamic involved that just the old adage, “eat less, move more”. I’ve never bought into that particular theory, or at least not that simplified a version. Sure, I feel tons better when I don’t eat to the point of being stuffed. I feel so much more energetic when I exercise, as well as being mentally refreshed and invigorated. But I have done both of those, independently and concurrently, and have still stalled in losing the weight. It is only when I do not eat man-made foods that I truly see the weight disappear.

So why do I not find it easier to stick with the natural foods? Is it that I just lack the willpower and determination? That seems an oversimplification as well. I know I have strong willpower and excessive amounts of determination. Everything I have ever put my heart and mind to, with the exception of my weight loss (I will come back to this in just a moment), I have achieved. What then, is my stumbling block?

I want to revisit the statement I made just above “Everything I have ever put my heart and mind to, with the exception of my weight loss, I have achieved.” Why do I single that out? For a very esoteric reason: I do not believe I have ever put my heart AND mind together to address my weight. It is easy for me to avoid it, not to think about it. People always wonder how others can ignore how fat they have become. Couldn’t they see it in the mirror? Couldn’t they tell in their clothes? What people without weight issues, or even self-esteem issues, never realize is how easy it is not to truly look in the mirror. How easy it is to justify away the tighter clothes by ‘shrinkage from the washer/dryer’ or ‘manufacturers are just making smaller clothes with the same size on the label.’ I think people that are shy, or obese, or have any other negative self-image excel at breaking down their physicality into parts. How does my hair look? I will only look at my hair. Are my teeth ok? I only check my teeth. For me, many times, anything below my neck is disregarded. Sure, I make certain my clothes are clean, they cover me, and they fit together in their styles. But as far as really looking at me, I don’t. I don’t think anyone wakes up and says, “yeah, I’m gonna get fat today!” It isn’t a conscious choice (perhaps there are exceptions but I think those are extreme cases). It is not a trait any aspire to achieve.

What then, is the core reason? Not a symptom or even an effect, the root cause. Humans are package deals. We are not bodies separate from our emotions separate from our minds separate from our spirits. We are a whole. The adage “eat less, move more” applies to a large part of our physical aspect (again, not everything). But what about our hearts? Our minds? Our spirits? How often do you hear of people that have been sexually abused putting on excessive amounts of weight? Or those that have been verbally abused, taught they can’t express any emotion, or aren’t worthy, turn to food as an outlet? And those that feel as if no one cares about them or who they really are deep down inside? Fat is literally and figuratively a barrier to the outside world. It protects us, insulates us, and allows us respite from the traumas we are enduring or have endured.

In most cases, gaining weight is a necessary, even life-saving, act. Perhaps that sounds like an oxymoron, particularly in our “thin is in” culture here in the States. But again, we all have our defenses and we need our boundaries. If we are unable to set those boundaries and enforce them consciously, we choose a silent champion to do the work for us – our body and the layer of fat we build around ourselves.

If anyone reading this has never experienced difficulties with their weight, I’m sure this all is either foreign or obscene. Just keep in mind we all have our defenses. We all have our outlets. We all have our addictions. Some of us just display ours much more openly than others.

Going back to my question – what are my stumbling blocks? I’m sure you can see I have given this a lot of thought. I have cut out processed foods and exercised to address my physical needs, I see a counselor for my emotional and psychological issues, but what about my spirit? Through introspection, I have found that I treat my soul with about as much regard as I treat my image in the mirror. I see it, but I don’t see it. I know it is there and is important, vital even, and yet I am ashamed. Not for what it is, but for my own failure in addressing its needs. My needs.

But what are my needs? To be myself, the person I was born to be, to grow into. I have known from a very early age that I was meant for great and powerful things. My life was not meant to sit back and watch life pass by. I’m not meant to march in the parade, but take a leading role in it. Can you imagine the weight of that responsibility on a child under 5? Perhaps some would feel cocky and self-important. It made me terrified. What if I failed? What if I wasn’t good enough? What if….? Some might have considered this knowledge as a pedestal to stand above those around them. It seemed more a great weight upon my shoulders than anything to be self-righteous about.

What does that have to do with my weight? Everything. My weight has been my crutch; my excuse. If I a do not look or feel the part for the role, surely the duty will be passed on to another? I will be given concessions as I am “limited.” It has taken me all these years to come to terms with the fact that there isn’t anyone else, and there are no limitations but those I impose upon myself.

It can be a vicious cycle, knowing how much time I have wasted and how much farther I’ve yet to go. At the same time, I have come to appreciate the journey I have made. I would not be as solid in my inner belief in myself, nor perhaps as sympathetic to those around me, had I not endured the trials along the way. My errors gave me examples to reflect upon and learn from. It is said that you learn more from your mistakes than your successes. I would even go farther by saying you appreciate your successes more in light of your mistakes.

Again, perhaps it is not obvious how this emotional, mental, and spiritual saga pertains to my physical self. Consider it in these terms: if I have a reasonable excuse (i.e. not eating well, not exercising) in how I fall short with my body, I never have to look in the mirror to see what needs to be focused upon for the other aspects of me (heart, mind, soul). It’s the slight of hand trick to keep your attention focused on the obvious while you ignore the subtle. As long as I have a weight issue, I don’t have to address my insecurities about my role in this lifetime. As long as I have that initial excuse, I can blame all of my shortcomings on my weight and not my attitude. There is no challenge to my abilities because they are hidden behind this wall of flab.

However, there is a very high price to be paid for this “protection”. The more self-confidence and security I gain, the more I am constrained by my prison. The more I resent myself for locking myself away in the first place. In many ways it is akin to the bird hatching from the egg. The egg protects while the embryo grows and develops, but eventually it is the egg itself that hinders the growth. At some point the baby needs to break out of its shell and risk all that life entails. I am at that defining moment where I can sense my outer shell and feel its constraint, but have not yet made the decision to crack it and set myself free. Or perhaps I have cracked it but have not yet chipped it away.

I am close. I had to build my foundation to leap from before I could take a step towards my responsibility. I am close enough to cringe in my hesitation and yet fear what is on the other side.

What are my roadblocks? My fears: my fear of failure, my fear of success, my fear of risks, and my fear in asking for the help I will need along the way. I am close to breaking free of these fears and testing my wings.

Heaven help us all when I soar.

Mood: Contemplative

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