I miss writing here on a regular basis and at the same time there just aren't words to explain. I need to make the effort if only for my own peace of mind. Perhaps then my mind can rest and I can sleep at night once more. So I will start here and make the effort to speak again. Maybe I'll find my sense of humor again, and more of my light-hearted feelings. Even I don't like reading my relentless dark thoughts. LOL

I've taken a step towards rebuilding my exercise habit again. Now don't laugh because I'm quite excited about it... I bought the new "B00t C@mp" DVD's. Yes, it was an infomercial - first time I've ever bought anything like that. However, it incorporates all the things I want and need in a routine: cardio, resistance training, flexibility, and balance. They should arrive next week and I can get started. Believe me, I already know it'll kick my ass but I'm prepared for that. What I'm most excited about is that this is something new and I have no previous experience with it to compare my performance then with now. That has been my biggest problem getting started again - I keep comparing my condition to where I was at when I had lost the weight and was working out 6x a week. And of course expecting myself to be able to be right back at that level now - which is ridiculous and impossible. I figure this way I can circumvent my competitive nature and pick up something new at the same time.

I've also begun writing in my food journal again; tracking everything I eat and how much. It's the only way I keep myself honest. Otherwise it is all mindless eating and ignoring healthy choices. If I'm forced to write down eating that bag of chips, it's not so desirable to eat it! Accountability is my friend. :)

I haven't looked for work yet, but I'm finally in a mindset where I'm ready to. Scary, huh? I'd like to be productive again and feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the day. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my sabbatical, but it's time for the next phase in my life. The fact that my money will run out in September is only a minor player in my decision. ;)

I've been going through "growing pains" as I consider it, which is a big reason why I haven't been writing here. So much is in transition in my brain, how I perceive things & life, as well as discovering the real person inside that I am more often confused than full of clarity. Some days I have all the energy in the world and other days I want to stay curled up in bed. At times I will feel confident and optimistic that all my hopes and dreams will come true, and other times I'm frightened and full of despair that I'm only setting myself up to get hurt. As you can see I'm pretty lousy at dealing with the unknown and that's exactly what my life is right now - unknown. Guess that's the lesson. :)

I need more humor in my life. If somene finds my funny bone, can I have it back please? Thanks!

Mood: Eh

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