Then as I lie in my bed while I try to fall asleep, I berate myself for not writing, for not finding the words, for the infernal insecurities that truly are meaningless yet I let hold me impotent. There, as I stare at the darkened ceiling, the thoughts and emotions swirl in a whirlpool of energy and I can sense their power and wistfully think "I should be writing this down..." only to have the eddy change and the moment is gone.

There must be something about lying prone, searching for the answers to sleep that the real questions come to mind. Or maybe just the simple fact that I give them free rein to run. Or just the reality that they are unencumbered by judgment, knowing that they will not be burned in the harsh light of day and are safe in the shadows of my mind. Perhaps a combination, and another: they are not ready to be finalized.

The last year and a half I have had to come to terms with the fact that all things happen when they are meant to happen, and that is true for thoughts as well. If you try to force them down onto paper, they never fit (how many times have you written something and just knew it didn't come close to resembling the vision in your head and in fact was a grave disservice to the very thing you were trying to give breath to?) and worse - they disappear, as if feeling betrayed that you didn't give them a chance to gestate fully and therefore you cannot be trusted.

I don't pretend to understand the logic behind it; I just have learned to *accept* it as fact. More times than not I find myself shrugging my shoulders and saying either internally or aloud, "That's the way it is." I manage to add "for now" to the end because one other thing I've learned is the fact that it is always changing, evolving, and growing. There is a reason for everything; I have believed that all my life yet it has been a struggle to ACCEPT things as they happen without understanding the *why* behind it. Or even the *how*. Usually it is murky because I don't yet have all the pieces but there have been times when I wasn't ready yet to comprehend and in the end the event was to instruct me on the lesson to be learned and not the event itself. Which is all very frustrating for someone like me that wants to KNOW the who, what, where, when, how, and most especially WHY things happen the way they do.

I like to believe that I've become more humble and accepting, particularly of myself and my limitations, over the last year or so. I don't feel like I fight myself nearly as much as I used to. I suspect it had more to do with the fact that *everything* in and around me was changing and to preserve my sanity I just had to come to grips with not understanding. It is still an empowering feeling, though, to know you have found a small sense of peace inside where there only used to be frustration and turmoil. The trick, of course, is to continue to expand that inner peace rather than let it slip back into obscurity. There is always work to be done, but at least I'm learning I can smile again during the process.

On a completely different note, I painted my toenails a metallic blue today and damn it felt sexy!

Mood:

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