12pm: I've decided it is better to write down my thoughts that I am inclined to email to you. One reason is to avoid the constant attempts to connect with you, and another is not to be a pest but rather give space instead. A third reason is that while the thought may be triggered by my focus on you and that I want to share it with you, it might not yet be appropriate to share.

12:48pm: Eating my lunch & it has mushroom caps in it. They remind me of our lunch together when we first met. I'm also thinking I need to be very careful with my energy so not to constantly intrude upon you. I think I will ask how much I am "knocking" and ways to minimize it.

4:40pm: So many thoughts for you right now.
*You discussing your quandry of so few "light-evolved" (my words) men and too many women searching for those few men that it is putting pressure & responsibility on you to satisfy/reject/use the women that are coming to you. I'm laughing, thinking about how none of the solutions you came up with included forcing yourself to pick and choose or to limit yourself in any way!
* I knew you were coming to me and it didn't even register. My imagination runs wild and I create all kinds of scenarios in my mind when I'm bored. In one where I will leave out the details at this time, I had been kidnapped and needed to be rescued. Somehow I was found by a military team and the lead guy that wouldn't give up hope of finding me was "Red". I thought at the time it was just a reference to a song I heard, but now I'm not sure. It's odd remembering the bits and pieces of that fake situation and seeing how many fit with the reality of now.
* I'm fighting my old habits and patterns at the same time I am adjusting to this new way of relating. They definitely are not compatible! Part of me is trying to be needy, clingy, seeking reassurance and committment. The other part of me just wants to focus & work on healing that first part of me while simply enjoying and appreciating what we have here and now. It's this constant reining-in to prevent rushing things to find security at the expense of letting things flow. I hope I win this battle. As long as I am very careful in choosing when to contact you and with what intention, I believe I have a chance of working through these old ruts.
* I love you. In what sense and to what degree and depth, I'm not sure yet. But the love is there. It's a simple, joyful love filled with gratitude for being who you are and seeing me as I am.

Until next time,
~H

Mood:

0 comments so far

previous - next