I saw Shutterbug this weekend. I didn't really get into my feeling for him on my crush page. I didn't admit there that the first time I saw him, that first night of our program together, when he walked in and without even seeing his face - my heart and soul woke up and exclaimed "It's You! You're finally here! I've been looking for you everywhere!" It was a total shock for me and I had to spend the entire weekend pushing the feelings back so that I could focus on the lessons we were learning and dealing with the fact that we are part of a small community and being involved would not be beneficial (if even allowed) to this year-long process. I did my best not to hog his attention or act all ga-ga (and the weird thing is that I didn't feel the need to do either) and just enjoy his presence. I did well and I gave him a hug that Sunday when we all parted and he was on his way to the airport to return home. He actually flies out every month for this program; that shows you the dedication he has to it.

I sent him an email with my work number so that he could call me there due to the time difference. Since he flies in, I had offered to pick him up at the airport since I had to pass that way myself to get to our session. He wasn't sure what flight he'd be on and so I left it open. I sent an email to the group asking a question and only 2 people responded; turned out most of the group hadn't gotten it. I'm not sure if it was the spam filters or if they had deleted it thinking it was spam. I knew Shutterbug probably wouldn't respond since he said he's almost never on email, and I wasn't worried about it. Turns out he hadn't gotten either emails or hadn't paid attention to them since he checks his email on the fly at work. Fortunately I wasn't expecting a response from him!

About a week and a half after that first weekend, I woke up in the morning with a strong need to call him and send him some positive energy. I had no idea why; it just felt important to do. I took a good 15-20 minutes of analyzing my intentions before calling him: was I doing it to contact him and pursue some of my feelings? Was it with the pure intention of sending him the energy and wishing him well? I contained my own feelings and made the call with simply the intention to honor the "request" I had been given by the Universe. I was hoping to get his voice mail, and I did. I left him a message and wished him well. I felt him send energy my way saying "thank you", but otherwise I didn't hear back from him. At first I was upset and hurt but I had to check myself that I had made the call without any expectations or strings attached and after that realization I was fine.

I was curious at how it was going to be to see him on Friday and how he might act. For some reason I knew, as soon as he walked in, that it wasn't a case of him reciprocating my feelings, however much I've been keeping them to the side. It didn't register as such at the time, but my energy dropped and I was struggling that entire night. He caught me afterwards when we were leaving that night and said he wanted to apologize for not calling me back. That he's been having trouble with that for a while and I'm not the only one that he hasn't called back. He also said that he wasn't ready to merge the two worlds together. However, he wanted to make sure I didn't take it personally. I was out of it after the work we'd done and being a long week, so I didn't fully absorb what he was saying. I told him that he didn't need to apologize because I had sent the energy as a gift. On my way home, I realized I probably sounded like I was blowing him off, when really I wasn't. So when I got home, I wrote him a note in a Thank You card explaining that I didn't feel an apology was necessary but that I deeply appreciated the fact that he felt it important to say. I wasn't even sure if I would give it to him.

Saturday I still struggled. I had a rough morning, was late to the session, and just more or less still not fully there. That morning the opportunity presented itself that I could give him the card without everyone else wondering. I walked over to him and said "I have a card for you." He said, "For me?" -Yes. "Just me?" (meaning: not the entire group?) -Yes. "Should I open it now?" -If you want to, but yes, you can open it now. So he did and read it while I waited. I didn't know if I should go back into the room or wait in the hallway with him, and finally I stayed there. He finished reading it and said a very sincere "thank you" and gave me a huge hug. I felt a little bit better, but things both internally for me and externally with him were still off. When I thought about it that night, it felt like he had rejected me. Honestly? I wanted to die. I didn't see the point of going on, making all these changes, when my mate didn't want me. It was a terrible night on so many levels but I made the choice: I confronted my fears and chose to move forward for myself. I had to let go of any of the hope I had with him (although I'd be lying if I said I was able to let go of ALL the hope for him) and start over. In that moment, at 3:30am as I'm crying, I chose not to give in. I realize I'm not conveying the depth of my emotions and no, I wasn't considering my life over because some guy wasn't interested in me. There was a LOT more to it than that but for my own sake I'm not discussing all of it.

Sunday I felt renewed. I was still emotionally drained but I had hope for myself, that I would be okay in all aspects. I really didn't talk much with Shutterbug during the day, a little here and there, but just in group conversation. It still felt like he was standoffish. When we finished up for the weekend, he and I ended up walking out of the room together and I started walking down the hall. I decided to push past the uncomfortableness and just talk. We need it for the next 10 months, no matter what, and I wasn't going to let things sit for another month like that. I asked him, "I hope you don't think it was odd that I gave you a card?" He replied, "No, not at all. I appreciated it." I could tell he did, too. We chatted a little bit more as we walked to the staircase and he went into the bathroom and I went down the stairs, so we said goodbye. I caught up with another of the women in the group and asked her about her rates since she's a massage therapist and I'm in desperate need of one! We were talking in front of the building and were just finishing up when Shutterbug came out. He had parked near me and I still wanted to talk with him, so I asked him a question about the friend he's staying with on our weekends. His friend has done the program before and was the one to recommend it to him. I asked what it was like to have someone go through it to talk to and he said it helps a lot since he can be open about the process and she respects when he needs time to absorb his stuff. We then talked about having other people in our lives support our decision to take this program and he admitted he has no one at home, both at work and in his family, that understands or supports his decision. I told him that if I had a family member that was flying cross-country for a program, it is obviously important to them and I would support them for that, even if I didn't get it! He said, yeah, and kind of shrugged like "it would be nice if they did that." I told him that if he ever needed to talk or needed support that he could call me any time. He said likewise for me and got a sheepish look on his face and said, "Well, it's true even if I didn't show it last month." We talked a little bit more about the place he's in where it is difficult to reach out to others. I told him I understand, and I do - all too well, and he didn't need to apologize for it. He then said that it wasn't just an apology, that he was also expressing regret. I didn't understand what he meant so he explained that he regretted not calling. That he would have liked to have talked. I was surprised and I admit it, pleased, and I'm sure it showed on my face. I told him that on a positive note, it gave me the opportunity to be sure my intentions were pure for calling. I know I got a panicked look on my face after blurting that out and thinking that it implied way more about my feelings than I wanted to admit. Fortunately he didn't ask about it. Having that conversation helped both of us I believe. I still don't expect anything to come out of this but I think there is some hope down the road. I spoke with our program facilitator and admitted my feelings (I have an individual session with her this Friday) to her on Sunday morning and she said she's only had it happen one other time in the 6 years she's been doing the program. The couple had come to her and asked for her "blessing" (she laughed talking about it) and she said that since they were in the 2nd year of the program that she was fine with them but "absolutely NOT" if it was in the first year (like Shutterbug and I are in). They had gone the first 12 months together but didn't get involved until the 2nd year. So like I figured, it wouldn't be allowed now anyway between him and I, and I'm actually okay with that. I know I have a lot more to work on internally, and so does he. He has a lot of sadness to heal. This way we also get to know each other as people and as friends, and if next August when we finish up we decide to pursue it, then we can address it at that time.

But yes, I still think about him a lot and still would love to talk with him more. He's a wonderful person no matter what, and part of me would really like to help ease him through some of his pain. Which is why I'm not going to be the one to call him first. ;)

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